About Doctors and Having a Baby

I go to see my doctor every week now. In the last two weeks, I have received several lectures about my decision to have a natural childbirth. Actually, the doctors remind me that I am trying to have "as natural a childbirth as possible" as though it is extremely unlikely that I will be able to have a natural childbirth.

Izzy and I really wanted to have a home birth or some alternative to a hospital birth, but at the end of the day, our insurance doesn't cover it (worth a whole rant of its own due to how much less expensive it is) and due to my ever-shrinking, sometime precarious employment situation, we decided it might not be best to pay for it out of pocket right now.

Anyway, after my doctor got done lecturing me about how I really needed to keep an open mind about having an epidural, I started puzzling over her reaction, and the medical profession's attitude toward childbirth in general. When I told her I planned to not have an epidural or any other pain medication, she made a horrified face and launched in to her lecture. What surprised me later was that I expected this. I knew that I would have to defend my decision, or at least smile and nod while she tried to talk me out of my decision, and that I wouldn't receive any encouragement or support for my choice to not take any medication. In fact, I don't know any doctors, medical students, and hardly any nurses who don't at least make disapproving faces at me when I tell them that I want to give birth without a string of medical interventions.

Why is this?

I understand that giving birth is quite painful, that there is always a possibility of complications, and that sometimes people need help, but people do this every day without drugs and all of the other medical procedures that usually accompany them and they are just fine. What I don't understand is why medical professionals are so unwilling to encourage me or at least accept my decision to try to avoid medical treatment that I may not need. Especially right after they tell me that I have had the most freakishly healthy pregnancy they've ever seen.

Somehow I don't think they ever try to talk someone out of planning to take pain medication before they have even experienced any pain or at least encourage them to see what they can do before they take the drugs, and somehow I think that I would receive more support for an elective C-section (major surgery) than for my attempt to have my baby with as few interventions as I can get away with.

Honestly, I've had an open mind about taking pain killers for most of my pregnancy and only recently decided it is something that I really don't want. The reason I always preferred the idea of having a home birth is because I feel confident that a midwife would respect any decisions or feelings I have about my care and work with me to try to help me, while the doctors and nurses at the hospital have been, and I expect they will continue to be, disapproving of my wishes.

At this point, I am more concerned about dealing with unsupportive doctors during labor than I am about the pain.

I am aware that I probably should say that I am going to try to have "as natural a childbirth as possible" instead of a natural childbirth not so much because I may choose otherwise or even need medical intervention, but because the institution involved with my care would prefer that I not have a natural childbirth in spite of my having the most healthy pregnancy my doctor has ever seen.

Wide Awake

It is far too early for me to be awake, but I am - for the second night in a row. I think I read something about pregnancy related insomnia kicking in during the last few weeks, but this really isn't working for me.

Anyone who is familiar with my history with sleep knows that being awake, especially at night is unusual for me - I just don't wake up. It was strange enough when I started having to wake up several times a night to visit the restroom, but being wide awake and ready to do stuff at three in the morning is strange. Mostly it is unpleasant because I know that I am going to crash in the middle of the day at work and I can't have any caffeine unless I want to torment the poor baby in my belly. Actually, the caffeine would also torment me because it is really uncomfortable to have a baby bouncing off the walls (literally) inside you.

Even though I will probably pay for it tomorrow, I decided to get up tonight partly to spare Izzy a few hours of being disturbed by my tossing in bed and partly to deal with the ten thousand thoughts running through my head. Last night I woke up and couldn't stop thinking about all I need to do in order to be ready for the baby to come in a month. It turns out that being partly ready for the baby stresses me out a lot more than not being ready at all. I know everything will work out. I have been thoroughly blessed and spoiled by friends and family and I know everything will get done, but it is frustrating for me to not be able to do much for myself. Between the physical limitations of being home to a nearly grown baby and the fact that most of my time and available energy is taken up by work, I am forced to allow everyone else to do things for me and wait for them to do so. I don't like it much, though I am very thankful for the help.

Tonight I have a lot of other things on my mind. I think I need to spend some time journaling to sort out my thoughts before I am ready to write them out publicly. Also, I think I am actually getting tired enough to go back to bed.

Perhaps I need to try to get up and do something useful every night in order to make myself tired enough to go back to sleep quickly.

No more title

The title for my blog doesn't show up anymore. Oh well.

I was just enjoying a friend's blog and decided that even though I have a lot going on and I think about a lot of things during my day, that I don't feel like I have anything to write about. I would really like to write more, it would be good for me and I have a lot of free time on my hands.

Perhaps I'll have something to say soon.

Congratulations Katie and Tom!

Katie was finally married off at a beautiful wedding on Saturday. Pictures to come...

Halfway Done

I am halfway through my pregnancy this week. It seems like I have been pregnant forever, even though most people still can't really tell I'm pregnant unless they are looking for it. Things have gotten much better recently. Mostly because I can tell that I'm pregnant for reasons other than being tired.

I do have a bit of a belly now. It seems huge to me because I have never really had a belly before, I just don't gain weight there. More important, I can feel our little girl thumping around in there most days. I can't feel her too much unless she becomes annoyed by the increasingly tight waistbands of my pants, but it is nice to know she's in there.

The best part is that I finally feel maternal. I am not a baby person and I am still not interested in anyone else's baby, but I am finally looking forward to having mine. The first few times the doctors showed me pictures of our little one, I felt a mixture of panic and indifference. Last week I really enjoyed watching her squirm around and hide from the ultrasound thingy. I was really excited to see her little face and I want to see her again.

September seems a long way away and I am still not looking forward to the childbirth business.

Ending the Posting Hiatus

Just when I started acting on a new resolution to blog more regularly, I found myself exhausted - crazy exhausted. I thought I was depressed for most of January and then I found out that I'm pregnant.



Yes, I'm pregnant. This is my announcement to anyone left in the world who doesn't know. I slept through January, February, and most of March. I am 17 1/2 weeks along and I am finally mostly used to the idea that I am going to be a mom at the end of September.

I have had a hard time getting used to that idea; it still doesn't seem real most of the time. Even though my body has been acting out of sorts for months, I have only just started to gain weight or see any obvious signs that I am growing another person inside of me. I am starting to become impatient for my belly to get big or for me to feel the baby because I hope it will make it seem real. Right now I just feel like I am getting fat and experiencing really bad PMS.

I have been really thankful for Izzy and everyone else who is excited for me through this time, they have helped me get used to the idea of the massive life change that is coming.