Waiting

Today I was blessed to attend a church service this morning that actually prompted me to worship. The sermon will be posted here sometime in the next week or so. Unfortunately the time of worship afterward will not be on the podcast.

God used this time to refresh me and speak directly to me and my present ordeal. I have a lot to think about, but more later when I have words for what is in my head.


I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
He will send from heaven and save me;
he will put to shame him who tramples on me.
God will send out His steadfast love and faithfulness. Psalm 57:2-3


Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

Quote of the Day

We believe that hundreds of conscientious, sensitive Christian women have actually suffered more under the slowly crucifying process to which they have been subjected by men who bear the Christian name than many a martyr has endured in passing through the flames.

Phoebe Palmer in The Promise of the Father

Happy Thanksgiving!

This year I am thankful for:

• Izzy who gets up early in the morning to help me make breakfast and lunch when I am running late. (He does lots of other wonderful things.)


• My job even thought I hate it because it pays my bills and has allowed me to take 62 paid days off in the last two years


• My family


• All of the blessings I have but do not have the sense to appreciate.

Church Music Rant

I have a bad reputation with my husband and some friends for being very critical of the "worship" at the church services I attend. By "worship" I mean the music. In some ways I understand that I should not be constantly criticizing what goes on, particularly when I could chose to participate and try to make it better and deliberately choose not to. However, compared to many people, I am not that picky about church music. I don't mind too much if the musicians play poorly or if they mess up as long as it is not consistently distracting. I am also tolerant of nearly every style of music from hymns sung with an organ to all varieties of choirs and bands. In general, I am willing to deal with whatever kind of music the congregation prefers to have even if does not suit my particular taste. If I had my preference, there would be a variety of different kinds of music played.

My reputation for being critical comes from the fact that I regularly have a problem with the words of the songs people choose to play. I am frustrated that no one seems to pay attention to the ideas in the songs that are chosen. Sometimes I don't think the songs make sense, sometimes they make sense, but are full of bad theology, and sometimes the songs make sense and even have good ideas that could be helpful for facilitating real worship, but there is no identifiable purpose in the order in which they are sung.

It bothers me that people go crazy worrying about how the songs sound, but pay no attention to what they mean. Over the last several weeks at church, we have had songs that fit every category each week. I have not been able to identify any rhyme or reason to the songs that were chosen and the order in which they were played. I don't understand what the purpose of the singing time is if there is no sense to what we are singing.

Technical Difficulties

My settings got messed up while I was trying to find a new template. I'll be back and looking better soon!

Back to Blogging

I have been overwhelmed in the last several months with things to think about. Some of that comes with having so many life changes in such a short period of time, I'm sure, and some of it is the variety of ideas to which I am exposed. There are so many things to think about!

Anyway, I realized sometime this week that I need to start discipling myself to write about some of the things I am thinking about if I want to have something more than half-formed ideas floating around in my head. So, after I move into my new house a week from tomorrow I am going to try to write about something at least once a week. We'll see how that goes.

What I Really Want

My computer wallpaper at work is a picture of some lovely lake in the mountains that someone took while doing trail work. I looked at it yesterday and realized that I really want to spend the weekend there.

If it was summer, I could grab my backpack and drive to the mountains this evening and hide out by a lake for two days. I really want to hide out by a lake. I realize that I could still do it, but it would be cold and that doesn't sound as nice. In exactly four months I will have a two week vacation somewhere warm. I can't wait.

Something to be Thankful for

I got engaged a month ago. It is really strange to write about it so long after the fact, but I have been sooo busy that I haven't had time to say much about it.

I am going to marry Ismael Alarcon on March 30. It feels strange for me to write that; I am still getting used to the idea of being married (I guess that is what engagement is for). I can't wait to have him around more often, though.

Izzy and I have been going to a marriage class for the last month as part of our pre-marital counseling. The first week, we were asked to tell our story. I haven't ever told anyone our story before. Most people watched it happen and knew more of it while it was going on than we did, so I have never really had to. Please forgive me because I plan to write most of it now.

We met a year ago in August when I started attending Restoration Life. Izzy was the fourth person I remember meeting at Restlife. I am really happy I can remember the first time we met. I liked him. He was very friendly and open.

For the first month I knew Izzy, I saw him off and on when he was at church. I remember always enjoing conversation with him, and I remember going salsa dancing with him and our friend Cathy. Izzy has rhythm issues. Near the end of September or the beginning of October, we ended up spending a lot of time together because his roommate was interested in my friend, and Izzy and I ended up being ditched together often so they could spend time together.

I started attending the small group he and my friends were in. One week I called him to ask if he minded if I brought my guitar and played a few songs before he led discussion, and the next thing I knew, he had invited himself to play with me. He wanted to practice beforehand, so we started getting together after prayer group on Sunday nights to play.

I am so thankful for our unecessarily long practice sessions. We always had dinner, and then we would talk for a few hours, play guitar for about 45 minutes, and then talk some more. I remember thinking that we had some strangely intimate conversations for two people who weren't interested in dating each other, but I enjoyed spending time with him and I grew to value his friendship. This was back when I was having a hard time finding a job and was really discouraged. Izzy was a huge encouragement to me, and my reminder that God does hear. (That is what his name means).

I can't point out when I started to "like" Izzy. I remember fighting it for a good month between mid-October and mid-November. I really didn't want to want to be with him for a number of reasons, and I was afraid. At the same time, his friendship meant so much to me, and I really enjoyed his company. By this time last year, I took off for England and was completely unable to get him off my mind.

At some point, I had learned that Izzy had made a committment to not date anyone until the end of the year after a long and difficult break up. By last Thanksgiving, I was sure he was interested in me, but I knew he wouldn't say anything until January at least. I that six weeks seemed like forever to me. We spent a good amount of time together, but he never said anything, and sometimes, I didn't know how I was going to hold out.

By Christmas Eve, it had become almost ridiculous and I decided that I couldn't be around him anymore if we weren't going to be honest about how we felt. He apparently felt the same way, because he came over that afternoon and told me how he felt about me. The rest of the day was a blur.

After Christmas we began dating. It was actually more like extreme dating (for me) because we would go almost three weeks at a time without a day apart. That was a difficult adjustment for me. I really don't know how to capture the past ten months. We have had a lot of fun and learned a lot, and have mostly been very happy. Izzy is my best friend, even when he drives me crazy.

Anyway, after telling me that he planned to spend the day with his dad in Winters, I made plans with Katie to spend October 13 (the day after her birthday) with her and her boyfriend at Apple Hill. We headed out to the Jack Russell Brewing Company because she had some business with them related to her work. We were drinking beer and enjoying the day when my friends, who both work in agriculture, suggested we check out the property. We were meandering around some cultivated blackberries in an odd manner when I looked up and saw Izzy standing in the middle of the bushes.

I was happy to see him, and at first, I thought he had decided to catch up with us. Then I realized that the whole thing was planned and my friends has silently walked away. Then a trembling and misty-eyed Ismael pulled the ring I knew he had out of his pocket, got on his knees and asked me to marry him about three times. My lying friends took a few pictures and then we all celebrated with more beer and went to go see my parents.

That was the proposal. It was beautiful and low-key, and perfect. Izzy included all of my close friends and family in one way or another. I am really so thankful for him, and I can't wait to marry him.

Surprise on my Doorstep

I came home from Bible study last night to find a homeless man sleeping on my front porch. This is usually impossible because the neighbors occupy that spot most nights, but they found something else to do and this guy decided that was where he was spending the night.

I was a little concerned at first, but as I was getting ready to step over him so I could get to my door, he started apologizing and talking about how he just wanted to get off the street. I felt really sorry for him and told him he could stay (at least until the neighbors found him).

He was gone in the morning. Someone probably chased him away eventually. I still feel really sad for him. I haven't paid attention to the homeless people for a while; I think I got used to them. This encounter reminded me that they need compassion and somewhere safe to sleep.

I know I am strange, but I am going to miss the homeless people when I leave midtown.

so tired

i am so tired. I have been getting plenty of sleep, but I feel like I haven't slept in days. I threw a fit today like a sleepy two year old. i feel terrible please pray for me. I haven't felt this bad in a really long time.

Back from the Wilderness

I am home from my 'business trip' into the wilderness. I really had a wonderful time. Before I left I was extremely nervous because I ended up on this VIP trip and I am nothing like a VIP. Izzy had quite a time calming me down, and I am really thankful that he was around to remind me that I have no reason to be nervous. I am blessed to have someone in my life who can remind me of what really matters when I forget (which happend often).

The trip was a lot of fun. The purpose was to observe trail crews that spend six months working in the wilderness and to showcase the program for the media, the legislature, and other influential people. We rode in up a pretty treacherous trail on horseback in the rain. When we got to camp, we had to set up our tents and store our gear in the rain, then we waited for the crew to show up (we had passed them working on the trail on the way in).

The camp was seriously the Hilton of backcountry trail camps. They said it took several strings of mules to bring everything in, and the camp is resupplied by mules every week. Even still, everything had to be kept immaculate in order to discourage bears from coming into camp. Everything is stored in bear boxes and all the trash is either cleaned (before being put in a recycle bag) or burnt. The crew works hard all day and returns to camp to do quite a bit more work.

I was really impressed by the people on the crew and their supervisors. I had encountered several of the crewmembers in the course of my work before they entered the program, and I am amazed by the changes the program has made in their lives in such a short time. The main theme of the trip was how important it is to develop the whole person in a program like my department's.

It was so interesting and challenging for me to spend several days nonstop with people who are completely dedicated to serving and developing others, but without Jesus. Everyone kept talking about the need for the participants to have values taught to them and purpose in life, but the things they were basing all of this on are so fleeting.

We rode/climbed to the top of a peak called Cloud's Rest and were looking down on Half Dome and the Yosemite valley and everyone was talking about how amazing it was that the glaciers carved such amazing features into the rocks. But it took a lot more than the glaciers to create all of that.

Incidentally, I don't know why people bother climbing Half Dome anymore. I know everyone likes to talk about scaling this crazy rock, but walking along behind a line of hundreds of other people who are also climbing the rock at the same time doesn't appeal to me. Especially when you can stand alone on top of a higher peak (9,926 feet to Half Dome's 8,836) and have an even more spectacular view. The people climbing Half Dome look like a stream of ants through binoculars. I don't think I like the idea of doing something with a herd, even if it is a challenge.

Yosemite

I am going to Yosemite tomorrow...and I'm being paid for it!

I get to ride a horse around Yosemite for my job - so much better than sitting in my cube for the next three days. Since the state doesn't have a budget yet, I don't know when I will have another opportunity to escape cubicleland. I am very thankful.

Now I just have to rearrage my workload and my life to accomodate the last-minute change in schedule.

Update

Two weeks ago, Katie and I went backpacking. It was a nice time to rest from work and doing ten thousand things at once and get some exercise. The Tahoe fire got in the way of our plans to spend some time in the Desloation Wilderness, so we went south to the Mokelumne Wilderness instead. This wilderness has a lot more vegetation than the Deslolation and was full of wildflowers and lots of green grass.

We spent our first night in the most windy place on earth. Between a mishap with our stove, and the fact that the wind kept us awake all night, we had an interesting beginning to our weekend. We moved to a place called Fourth of July Lake, which was thankfully out of the wind. (I had a hilarious "Who's on First" type of conversation with a ranger over the phone trying to explain that I wanted to camp at Fourth of July Lake, our second destination, until July first.)

We spent the night in a meadow next to the lake on a landing on the way farther into the canyon. Since we didn't have to hide from the wind, we were able to enjoy the freakishly bright full moon and the warm weather. It was a peaceful time, followed by a crazy hike (straight) up out of the wilderness. We kept trying to take pictures that would illustrate how steep the trail was, but I don't think we succeeded in doing so. I'll have to see her pictures.

Izzy and I spent the Fourth of July with my family. We went to the Folsom rodeo with my parents and had a lot of fun. Unfortunately I forgot my camera. I was disappointed because Izzy has the best facial expressions ever when he is enjoying himself. Watching him was more fun than watching the fireworks.

After the rodeo, we spent the night at my parents' house. I was particularly thankful for this because hundred and ten degree heat and my apartment that has no air conditioning are not a good combination. We spent the fourth enjoying the mountains, and Rahime and 'Chung and some neighbors came over for dinner.

Last weekend we did nothing and it was wonderful. Now it is almost time for another busy weekend.

sigh

Sometimes I am really frustrated with how careless I can be. I lost my keys. I am sure they are at work, but I can't find out until tomorrow because I can't get into the building without a key. In the meantime, I had planned to spend the evening picking up some things I need for my backpacking trip this weekend, but I don't have a key to my car right now.

Have I mentioned that this is the second time in two weeks I have not had my keys? The first time, I locked them in my house and Izzy lifted me up so I could climb in the window that is ten to fifteen feet above the steps to my fire escape. This time my neighbor let me in the front door to the house and I climbed in through the window on the balcony.

The irony of today's forgetfulness is that I was very careful this morning to make sure I had my keys with me when I left the house. I hope, hope, hope I left them at work and didn't drop them anywhere.

University Falls

This weekend Katie, Izzy our friend Jason and I went hiking at a place called University Falls. It is out past Georgetown off an unmarked dirt road. The attraction at this place is a series of waterfalls that you can slide down. It is basically a natural waterslide park that is more fun than a regular waterpark (if you can handle a six to seven mile hike).

We had a lot of fun sliding down the falls into freezing water and warming ourselves on the rocks.

When we made our way back out, we stopped for pizza in Georgetown. Georgetown is past the middle of nowhere and the town is a quarter mile long, so we didn't think we were going to have a good dinner. Mostly we were stopping for the beer. We were surprised by the best quality pizza I have ever had. There was no grease. They used fresh ingredients including fresh cheese and the pizza was yummy.

Eventually we returned home sleepy and full. I love summer!

Pictures (and hopefully video) will follow when Katie sends them to me.

Pretty!

How do you like my new blog template? No more crazy pink! The new template has some bugs I need to work out, but I like it a lot better.

Happy day.

This deserves its own post. Izzy brought me flowers at work today. I was very happy because I have only seen him for about an hour since Monday and wasn't scheduled to seem him until Friday. I am spoiled and usually get to see a lot more of him, so I was sad.

I am more happy because I got to have lunch with him before I had to go back to work. But the flowers are so nice and beautiful too.

Now I have a huge, pretty boquet of flowers sitting on my top shelf letting everyone in the building know that I am loved.

Christmas Eve

It really isn't Christmas Eve, but it felt like it at work today. The Agency I work for is getting a new director tomorrow, and everyone in the building is full of hopes and fears. For my part I am hopeful.

I think that the core program could be much better than it is even with the present lack of funding. However, there has been a lack of leadership and direction. As I have sat in my seat for the last seven months, I have seen a lot of people working very hard to do the best they can without leadership. If they had leadership they could do even greater things than they have been doing. Officially, my job is to support these people. However, I have not had permission to do as much as I could have to assist them. I hope that changes.

I have been frustrated with my job because the agency has issues with leadership that micromanages. I haven't been able to do much, though I am fortunate that I have had more to do than most of the other people in my unit. I like being given a job to do and being allowed to do it. Right now I have nominal duties that I can only do when my supervisor is standing over me watching. She hasn't had much time for that lately so I have mostly been left to my own devices to fill my time in a purposeful manner.

I am told that tomorrow everything changes. That the agency will no longer function on a "need to know" basis, that people will be given specific duties and be empowered to perform them, and that it will become a community of people working together for a single purpose. I remain somewhat skeptical, but if we at least move in that direction, I will be extrememly happy.

Blast from the Past

This Saturday, Izzy and I went to Berkely for a Torey Honors Institute alumni event. The event included a (very good) dinner and a discussion of George's MacDonald's The Golden Key. It was a very good time.

I had a good time talking with a new alumn who was a philosophy major about the program, old professors and his future plans. I also had a good time talking with my old professors, who I haven't interacted with much in years.

I enjoyed the discussion. It has been a long time since I have had that kind of a discussion and while I didn't really have an opportunity to read the story carefully (and therefore didn't have much to say), I still learned a lot. I also enjoyed watching Izzy participate in the group.

What was really interesting was seeing Torrey through Izzy's eyes. I am glad he got to go to the event because it is really difficult to explain Torrey to someone who hasn't seen it first-hand. I love Torrey and am very glad I had that experience. I am glad that Izzy was so interested and appreciative of the experience I had, both the benefits and pitfalls of the program. In some ways, Torrey is the least diverse place ever. Nearly everyone in the program is while, upper middle class people who have been raised in Christian homes. At the same time, there is a diversity among Torrey students that is harder to capture in words, but is not something that isn't often found in too many other places.

The other high point of the day was getting to spend time with Rahime and 'Chung. Visiting them is always fun and I appreciate their hospitality because I really wouldn't have liked driving home that late in the evening.

Vacation!

I am on vacation. It seems like a long time to me, but because I have hardly posted in the last six months, it looks like I was just on vacation.

I was supposed to go backpacking in Utah this week, but that fell through - very sad. So Izzy and I packed up and came down to the central coast. We spent the weekend inn Ventura with some friends of his from the Navy. He slept and I went walking around with his friends.

On Sunday we drove to Pismo Beach to stay with my sister. We went wine tasting yesterday for my birthday. It is becoming a tradition for me to go wine tasting on my birthday. We bought some great wine from the Rusack winery. Then we had a nice lunch in one of the little towns and went back to Crissy's house. Her roommate Diana made me mole, my new favorite Mexican food, and Izzy and I made rice and beans. It turns out that it was also Diana's friend Jose's birthday. After we were stuffed, Crissy took us to a nice restaurant for drinks and dessert. It was a really fun birthday.


Today we took Izzy to get breakfast burritos for breakfast (as a surprise) and then we went to San Simeon to visit Hearst Castle. It was foggy everywhere except on top of the mountain. The tour was nice and we enjoyed it.

We are having a really good time not working and spending time with Crissy in her house on the beach. It makes me want a house with a huge view of the ocean too. But in lieu of that, it is a nice vacation spot.