so tired

i am so tired. I have been getting plenty of sleep, but I feel like I haven't slept in days. I threw a fit today like a sleepy two year old. i feel terrible please pray for me. I haven't felt this bad in a really long time.

Back from the Wilderness

I am home from my 'business trip' into the wilderness. I really had a wonderful time. Before I left I was extremely nervous because I ended up on this VIP trip and I am nothing like a VIP. Izzy had quite a time calming me down, and I am really thankful that he was around to remind me that I have no reason to be nervous. I am blessed to have someone in my life who can remind me of what really matters when I forget (which happend often).

The trip was a lot of fun. The purpose was to observe trail crews that spend six months working in the wilderness and to showcase the program for the media, the legislature, and other influential people. We rode in up a pretty treacherous trail on horseback in the rain. When we got to camp, we had to set up our tents and store our gear in the rain, then we waited for the crew to show up (we had passed them working on the trail on the way in).

The camp was seriously the Hilton of backcountry trail camps. They said it took several strings of mules to bring everything in, and the camp is resupplied by mules every week. Even still, everything had to be kept immaculate in order to discourage bears from coming into camp. Everything is stored in bear boxes and all the trash is either cleaned (before being put in a recycle bag) or burnt. The crew works hard all day and returns to camp to do quite a bit more work.

I was really impressed by the people on the crew and their supervisors. I had encountered several of the crewmembers in the course of my work before they entered the program, and I am amazed by the changes the program has made in their lives in such a short time. The main theme of the trip was how important it is to develop the whole person in a program like my department's.

It was so interesting and challenging for me to spend several days nonstop with people who are completely dedicated to serving and developing others, but without Jesus. Everyone kept talking about the need for the participants to have values taught to them and purpose in life, but the things they were basing all of this on are so fleeting.

We rode/climbed to the top of a peak called Cloud's Rest and were looking down on Half Dome and the Yosemite valley and everyone was talking about how amazing it was that the glaciers carved such amazing features into the rocks. But it took a lot more than the glaciers to create all of that.

Incidentally, I don't know why people bother climbing Half Dome anymore. I know everyone likes to talk about scaling this crazy rock, but walking along behind a line of hundreds of other people who are also climbing the rock at the same time doesn't appeal to me. Especially when you can stand alone on top of a higher peak (9,926 feet to Half Dome's 8,836) and have an even more spectacular view. The people climbing Half Dome look like a stream of ants through binoculars. I don't think I like the idea of doing something with a herd, even if it is a challenge.

Yosemite

I am going to Yosemite tomorrow...and I'm being paid for it!

I get to ride a horse around Yosemite for my job - so much better than sitting in my cube for the next three days. Since the state doesn't have a budget yet, I don't know when I will have another opportunity to escape cubicleland. I am very thankful.

Now I just have to rearrage my workload and my life to accomodate the last-minute change in schedule.

Update

Two weeks ago, Katie and I went backpacking. It was a nice time to rest from work and doing ten thousand things at once and get some exercise. The Tahoe fire got in the way of our plans to spend some time in the Desloation Wilderness, so we went south to the Mokelumne Wilderness instead. This wilderness has a lot more vegetation than the Deslolation and was full of wildflowers and lots of green grass.

We spent our first night in the most windy place on earth. Between a mishap with our stove, and the fact that the wind kept us awake all night, we had an interesting beginning to our weekend. We moved to a place called Fourth of July Lake, which was thankfully out of the wind. (I had a hilarious "Who's on First" type of conversation with a ranger over the phone trying to explain that I wanted to camp at Fourth of July Lake, our second destination, until July first.)

We spent the night in a meadow next to the lake on a landing on the way farther into the canyon. Since we didn't have to hide from the wind, we were able to enjoy the freakishly bright full moon and the warm weather. It was a peaceful time, followed by a crazy hike (straight) up out of the wilderness. We kept trying to take pictures that would illustrate how steep the trail was, but I don't think we succeeded in doing so. I'll have to see her pictures.

Izzy and I spent the Fourth of July with my family. We went to the Folsom rodeo with my parents and had a lot of fun. Unfortunately I forgot my camera. I was disappointed because Izzy has the best facial expressions ever when he is enjoying himself. Watching him was more fun than watching the fireworks.

After the rodeo, we spent the night at my parents' house. I was particularly thankful for this because hundred and ten degree heat and my apartment that has no air conditioning are not a good combination. We spent the fourth enjoying the mountains, and Rahime and 'Chung and some neighbors came over for dinner.

Last weekend we did nothing and it was wonderful. Now it is almost time for another busy weekend.

sigh

Sometimes I am really frustrated with how careless I can be. I lost my keys. I am sure they are at work, but I can't find out until tomorrow because I can't get into the building without a key. In the meantime, I had planned to spend the evening picking up some things I need for my backpacking trip this weekend, but I don't have a key to my car right now.

Have I mentioned that this is the second time in two weeks I have not had my keys? The first time, I locked them in my house and Izzy lifted me up so I could climb in the window that is ten to fifteen feet above the steps to my fire escape. This time my neighbor let me in the front door to the house and I climbed in through the window on the balcony.

The irony of today's forgetfulness is that I was very careful this morning to make sure I had my keys with me when I left the house. I hope, hope, hope I left them at work and didn't drop them anywhere.

University Falls

This weekend Katie, Izzy our friend Jason and I went hiking at a place called University Falls. It is out past Georgetown off an unmarked dirt road. The attraction at this place is a series of waterfalls that you can slide down. It is basically a natural waterslide park that is more fun than a regular waterpark (if you can handle a six to seven mile hike).

We had a lot of fun sliding down the falls into freezing water and warming ourselves on the rocks.

When we made our way back out, we stopped for pizza in Georgetown. Georgetown is past the middle of nowhere and the town is a quarter mile long, so we didn't think we were going to have a good dinner. Mostly we were stopping for the beer. We were surprised by the best quality pizza I have ever had. There was no grease. They used fresh ingredients including fresh cheese and the pizza was yummy.

Eventually we returned home sleepy and full. I love summer!

Pictures (and hopefully video) will follow when Katie sends them to me.

Pretty!

How do you like my new blog template? No more crazy pink! The new template has some bugs I need to work out, but I like it a lot better.

Happy day.

This deserves its own post. Izzy brought me flowers at work today. I was very happy because I have only seen him for about an hour since Monday and wasn't scheduled to seem him until Friday. I am spoiled and usually get to see a lot more of him, so I was sad.

I am more happy because I got to have lunch with him before I had to go back to work. But the flowers are so nice and beautiful too.

Now I have a huge, pretty boquet of flowers sitting on my top shelf letting everyone in the building know that I am loved.

Christmas Eve

It really isn't Christmas Eve, but it felt like it at work today. The Agency I work for is getting a new director tomorrow, and everyone in the building is full of hopes and fears. For my part I am hopeful.

I think that the core program could be much better than it is even with the present lack of funding. However, there has been a lack of leadership and direction. As I have sat in my seat for the last seven months, I have seen a lot of people working very hard to do the best they can without leadership. If they had leadership they could do even greater things than they have been doing. Officially, my job is to support these people. However, I have not had permission to do as much as I could have to assist them. I hope that changes.

I have been frustrated with my job because the agency has issues with leadership that micromanages. I haven't been able to do much, though I am fortunate that I have had more to do than most of the other people in my unit. I like being given a job to do and being allowed to do it. Right now I have nominal duties that I can only do when my supervisor is standing over me watching. She hasn't had much time for that lately so I have mostly been left to my own devices to fill my time in a purposeful manner.

I am told that tomorrow everything changes. That the agency will no longer function on a "need to know" basis, that people will be given specific duties and be empowered to perform them, and that it will become a community of people working together for a single purpose. I remain somewhat skeptical, but if we at least move in that direction, I will be extrememly happy.

Blast from the Past

This Saturday, Izzy and I went to Berkely for a Torey Honors Institute alumni event. The event included a (very good) dinner and a discussion of George's MacDonald's The Golden Key. It was a very good time.

I had a good time talking with a new alumn who was a philosophy major about the program, old professors and his future plans. I also had a good time talking with my old professors, who I haven't interacted with much in years.

I enjoyed the discussion. It has been a long time since I have had that kind of a discussion and while I didn't really have an opportunity to read the story carefully (and therefore didn't have much to say), I still learned a lot. I also enjoyed watching Izzy participate in the group.

What was really interesting was seeing Torrey through Izzy's eyes. I am glad he got to go to the event because it is really difficult to explain Torrey to someone who hasn't seen it first-hand. I love Torrey and am very glad I had that experience. I am glad that Izzy was so interested and appreciative of the experience I had, both the benefits and pitfalls of the program. In some ways, Torrey is the least diverse place ever. Nearly everyone in the program is while, upper middle class people who have been raised in Christian homes. At the same time, there is a diversity among Torrey students that is harder to capture in words, but is not something that isn't often found in too many other places.

The other high point of the day was getting to spend time with Rahime and 'Chung. Visiting them is always fun and I appreciate their hospitality because I really wouldn't have liked driving home that late in the evening.

Vacation!

I am on vacation. It seems like a long time to me, but because I have hardly posted in the last six months, it looks like I was just on vacation.

I was supposed to go backpacking in Utah this week, but that fell through - very sad. So Izzy and I packed up and came down to the central coast. We spent the weekend inn Ventura with some friends of his from the Navy. He slept and I went walking around with his friends.

On Sunday we drove to Pismo Beach to stay with my sister. We went wine tasting yesterday for my birthday. It is becoming a tradition for me to go wine tasting on my birthday. We bought some great wine from the Rusack winery. Then we had a nice lunch in one of the little towns and went back to Crissy's house. Her roommate Diana made me mole, my new favorite Mexican food, and Izzy and I made rice and beans. It turns out that it was also Diana's friend Jose's birthday. After we were stuffed, Crissy took us to a nice restaurant for drinks and dessert. It was a really fun birthday.


Today we took Izzy to get breakfast burritos for breakfast (as a surprise) and then we went to San Simeon to visit Hearst Castle. It was foggy everywhere except on top of the mountain. The tour was nice and we enjoyed it.

We are having a really good time not working and spending time with Crissy in her house on the beach. It makes me want a house with a huge view of the ocean too. But in lieu of that, it is a nice vacation spot.

Freezing

What kind of person runs the air conditioning when it is raining outside?

Seriously, if anyone has any tips for how not to freeze to death in the office, please let me know. I am currently wearing a sweater, a jacket, and an overcoat. I am also drinking tea. I am cold. There are crazy middle-aged women running around the office in tank tops. I think they have control over the thermostat.

Happy Cesar Chavez day!

It is a state holiday today. We are commemorating the birthday of Cesar Chavez. For all who don't know, he organized the labor movement among farm workers in California. Now it is a paid state holiday. Apparently school children were protesting at the Capitol yesterday because they didn't get the day off school.

Izzy took me to my first hockey game yesterday. My weekend activities have taken to alternating between the arts and sporting events. Last week ballet, this week hockey, next week we are watching Othello, the week after we are going to a Kings game. All very fun.

I enjoyed the hockey game, but it was very cold in the arena. I found it amusing that the crowd was much more excited about the fights than they were about scoring. Who knew there were so many fans of monor league hockey by the way? These people were reallly in to their team (the Stockton Thunder). Everyone was decked out in team colors and really mean to the opposing team. I am probably not very fun to take to sporting events because I can't bring myself to any demonstrative behavior in favor of whichever team I want to win. It feels strange. I can get into the game, but even still, I will usually sit there quietly.

A Rather Sad Commentary

Izzy and I watched Fast Food Nation sometime last week. If you haven't seen it, it is like The Jungle in movie form. Both are fictional stories about what happens in the meat processing industry and both paint a sad picture of how the people who work in this industry are exploited.

What is interesting is that when The Jungle was published, people were outraged. They were so outraged that the FDA was created to regulate the food processing industry. The same is not true of Fast Food Nation. I don't think anyone is surprised that their food might not be of the best quality. I am not. However, I am sure that the people who process our food (and who harvest our food) are suffering in terrible conditions. No one ever says anything about it and no one does anything about it.

Actually, this is the third movie I have seen in the last few months that highlights how the corporations who provide certain products abuse the vulnerable in order to get the products to consumers at a cheaper price. I have no doubt that the practices portrayed in these films actually happen. As of yet, I have heard very few people who were disturbed enough by these practices to look in to what is actually happening in these industries and see what could be done. The sad fact is that I haven't and I have no idea how I could do anything about this kind of exploitation. Shame on me.

Coffee

I gave up coffee (among other things) for Lent. I have since learned a few things.

1. There is coffee EVERYWHERE.
   
2. Coffee is my version of comfort food.
   
3. It is also how I relax and I associate it with indulgence.
   

I really want to drink coffee. I can't wait until Easter.

I never had trouble fasting for Lent before. I don't even remember it being this hard to give up TV and music in the car. This time fasting is really a struggle, which was my purpose, but it is hard. I am not particularly fond of self denial (I guess no one is) and I keep finding myself craving the things I gave up (mostly coffee).

Introducing...

Ismael Alarcon (Izzy)

So most of you have heard the rumors. Or you have met him because he has been around for a few months now. Here he is. I met Izzy at church in August, we spent a lot of time together in the fall playing guitar and stuff, and we started dating in December.

Sorry

I have been hearing some comments that I have been neglecting my blog and a lot of people. This is true. I am really sorry, but it is literally 40 degrees in the room with my computer during the day. I don't do well writing to people when I can see my breath in here. I am very sorry.

For those I haven't talked to in a while, work is going well, Christmas and New Year were great, and there is a new addition to my life who truly isn't the reason I am neglecting you all. I am travelling to Pomona tomorrow on business, but when I come back, I will turn on a space heater in here and catch everyone up on the detials of my life.

One Week Down

I just finished my first week at my new job. I am tired. Mostly I am tired because I am still working at the restaurant from hell. But I am also sick and unused to working on a traditional schedule. I haven't had to be anywhere before noon more than a few times a week in years. Even when I did so, it was always a choice.

So far, I feel very confined by my work schedule. I feel trapped, but I suppose I will get over that in time. Perhaps when I feel more comfortable in my position at work or something. Right now, I don't have a lot to do. I have no real defined job description, and my supervisor just started as well, so she can't give me much direction because she is still trying to figure out what her job is. I think I will feel better about the job when I know what I am supposed to do.

One thing I have learned this week is that even though I feel very strongly about the work of my agency, I do not want to be a State employee for very long. I might stay around long enough to work at the DoJ for a while eventually, but I want to move into a non-profit or an organization in which the wheels don't turn quite so slowly, and where people with my skills are actually closer to the work actually being done. I spent some time reading about the great work the agency is doing, but odds are, I will never get closer than meeting the people who are impacting working with the people impacting the community. So I am prepared to do my job, get what I can out of it, and move on to somewhere else...

Last Day

Today was my last full day in England. I sent Matt and Abby off to a football game and went shopping on Oxford and Regent Streets. I think the introvert in me was dying for some time by myself, and the selfish independent part of me was definetly glad to not have to worry about anyone but me. Shopping was okay. I only bought gifts for Abby and me to take back to friends and family because I know where to get all of the same things I found here for less back home. I really did enjoy looking at all of the fancy window displays, though.

While I was shopping, I realized how much I missed my mom. I don't think I ever go shopping without her unless I am with someone else. If I don't take her with me, I spend the entire time I am shopping on the phone with her. She would have loved the clothes and the window displays and it would have been nice to share that time with her and get excited about things with her.

This evening, I met Abby at St. Paul's and we went to the Evensong service there. I really enjoyed it. It was a choral service and the choir was fantastic. The sermon was also very good, and I was so happy to hear the gospel preached to all of the tourists who were only there so they could see the cathedral for free. I can't remember the exact texts, but they were from Isaiah and Matthew. What struck me was the priest's comment that while we are concerned about the horrible things going on in the world, we must first look to our own hearts to see the healing begin. Each of our hearts is a battleground, a Darful, an Iraq, or a Babylon. We each have something in us that has taken us captive and Jesus came to earth and became a man in order to free us from that battle and bring us peace.

I think this was my favorite part of the trip. I loved participating in the beautiful service in that beautiful cathedral. I was not able to take any pictures, but there were the most beautiful mosaics all over the ceiling and on the sides of the dome. I will look online later for pictures to post here. I was very happy to go to church since we didn't go last Sunday and because we won't get to go tomorrow. I was and still am sad that I am missing the first Sunday of Advent.

I am off to get ready for the trip home tomorrow. See everyone soon.

P.S.

I found out for sure this evening that I definetly have a job when I get home! Praise the Lord! I am officially an employee of the State of California.